


songs i can't listen to

by toriiixoox



Series: lose it [2]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety, Depressed Tsukishima Kei, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Insecurity, Light Angst, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Soft Tsukishima Kei, Tsukishima Kei is Bad at Feelings, i think that its, tsukki has SAD, yamaguchi just listens to his boyfriend and loves him
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-19
Updated: 2020-08-19
Packaged: 2021-03-06 01:08:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,210
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25994989
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/toriiixoox/pseuds/toriiixoox
Summary: Yamaguchi had always been the one to push Tsukishima, but this time he might have pushed too far.Alternately: Out of everything that could have come from their fight, Yamaguchi didn't expect it to be a distaste for all of his favorite music.
Relationships: Tsukishima Kei/Yamaguchi Tadashi
Series: lose it [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1868281
Comments: 4
Kudos: 181





	songs i can't listen to

**Author's Note:**

> I am absolutely in love with this relationship that I've established with these two? This music-centric, Yamaguchi-led thing? So I keep writing fics about it. I hope this series gets to be like a million fics long. ANYWAY. I hope you enjoy! ((look out for some smut and some fluff comin up next for this series UGH I'm in love)) I highly recommend reading the first one if you haven't yet! It's not pertinent to the plot and you can definitely read without, but it also establishes the relationship and builds everything up. 
> 
> OH. and it wouldn't be a fic in this series without tori (that's me) making a PLAYLIST!
> 
> [playlist // songs i can't listen to](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/0c01TwCdPrje9KdgwxzqnJ?si=IjayLAMkTqCuCPuWLWADAg'%20rel=)

Autumn is Yamaguchi Tadashi’s favorite season. There is just something about the coolness in the air, how softly the leaves fall from the trees, the freshness of the produce, and how quickly the sky turns to gray. 

Every small aspect of Autumn that he thought of made Yamaguchi eager for the upcoming change, but nothing made him more excited than the thought of doing all of his favorite activities with his boyfriend. Just thinking about the different festivals that they could attend together, the autumn harvests, and all of the hikes that they could take together, not just on their way home from school, but on the weekends through the forests and the gardens. That’s what he was looking forward to the most when he thought about those upcoming months. 

But as the months got closer and closer, he started recognizing a difference in his boyfriend. After 5 months together, you would think that Tsukishima would understand that Yamaguchi could tell when he was feeling off, even without him saying a thing. It’s in the way that his shoulders slump when he walks, or the disinterested look in his eyes when the teacher is talking at school, or the music that he had been listening to recently, or how quickly he got annoyed at the smallest things. 

Walking into his house, Yamaguchi almost stops and asks Tsukki if he actually wants to stay over. He seems more irritated than usual like in a small sense he doesn’t want to be there. Honestly, he figures that the entire reason that he even enters the house is to appease Yamaguchi. Each movement that he makes appears laced with vexation just because he had to do it. 

When they make it into Yamaguchi’s room, Tsukishima is silent, throwing his bag a bit more harshly into its regular spot than usual, seemingly tempered when the bag thuds violently against the wall. Before he can even sit down in his usual seat, Yamaguchi breaks the tensioned silence. “Did something happen? Are you okay?”

As soon as the sentence leaves his mouth, the air feels even more strained than it was before. Tsukishima scoffs. “Nothing. I’m fine.” The answer was fueled by far too much attitude and resentment for Yamaguchi to believe it for even a second. If it were anyone other than Tsukishima, the sentence would have hurt. Though, it was still weird. This was not a side of Tsukishima that he didn’t see very often, but it was rarely, possibly never, used on Yamaguchi. It was mostly reserved for the other first years. 

Yamaguchi changes his tone from disbelief to just concern, trying to convey how much he cares to Tsukki. “Tsukki, you know that you can talk to me, right?”

“I said I’m fine.” Somehow, this coldness hurts more than the attitude did. 

“I just think that if you told me what was wrong tha-,” Yamaguchi starts, but Tsukishima interrupts him. 

“You think that you can fix everything, Yamaguchi,” his voice is low, but each word screams so loudly in Yamaguchi’s head, he can feel every single one of them jabbing into him. “You think that you can fix me and my problems and all of your friend’s problems and the entire world’s problems.” His voice is getting louder, raising instead to a bitter shout, hands thrown into the air in an annoyed defeat. 

Tsukishima doesn’t get angry. He gets salty, irritated, short, sharp, spiteful, but he doesn’t get angry. In the very rare cases that he’s seen Tsukishima get angry, he always stays level headed. He always opts for a more methodical approach to being irate, so seeing his boyfriend, seeing  _ Tsukki _ raising his voice in frustration and aggravation hits him. 

But not as much as his next words. They’re heavy and punctual and it almost knocks the wind out of Yamaguchi. “You can’t.”

He knows that he shouldn’t talk, knows that whatever he says is just going to make things worse. Honestly, he’s so taken aback and hurt that he’s not even sure the words will form correctly, but he can’t stop the thought from leaving his mouth.“I didn’t know that trying to know why my boyfriend is acting so differently is considered ‘Fixing everything’.” It’s more of a mumble than a strong conviction, but Tsukishima picks up on it nonetheless. 

Yamaguchi has always been the one to challenge Tsukki, even if it was often in small outbursts surrounded by apologies. He’s always been the one that Tsukishima would listen to, or at the bare minimum, hear out. Even when Tsukishima would have a bad day or lash out at someone at volleyball practice, Yamaguchi would often be the one to calm him down or at least make the situation better in some regard. 

Or was he? 

He scoffs again, picking his bag up from the floor and slinging it over his shoulder. “Maybe it’s none of your business why I’m acting so different.” The situation turned so bitter so quickly that it’s making Yamaguchi’s heart hurt, but he can’t stop his reactions. 

“None of my business? You’ve been acting shitty all day,” Yamaguchi shoots back. When Tsukishima just rolls his eyes, Yamaguchi continues, “Plus, you’re my boyfriend. Don’t I get to know what’s wrong?”

“Just because you’re my boyfriend doesn’t mean that you own me,” Tsukishima clicks his tongue, narrowing his eyes. 

“I never said that.”

“You just want to know what’s wrong so that you can fix me and I’m not this moody, arrogant asshole anymore,” Tsukishima spits.

“I never said that,” Yamaguchi repeats himself. 

“You didn’t have to.” 

“I’m the bad guy because I asked you what’s wrong? Really? I’m  _ so sorry _ ,” Yamaguchi says, exaggerating his apology. 

“No, you’re the bad guy because you won’t just leave me alone.”

No one speaks now. Yamaguchi lets everything in the room still, waiting for the apology or the withdrawal of the statement or at least the severity, but nothing like that comes. Instead, Tsukishima shakes his head and turns, walking out the door of his bedroom and slamming it. 

* * *

There were a lot of changes that Yamaguchi deemed to be inevitable as soon as he heard Tsukishima bound down the stairs and shut the front door behind him. Even when Tsukishima had to leave in a hurry or still in a bad mood from an annoying day, Yamaguchi always walked him to the door and kissed him on the way out. The air in the room feels different, foreign and heavy, and he’s not sure if it’s just his imagination or if the world really is unbalanced now that their relationship has shifted.

He knows that volleyball practice will be very awkward. That is the first thought that crosses his mind. He doesn’t think that Tsukishima would skip practice just because of a fight that they had, but he doesn’t want to necessarily skip practice either. Was it worth going to the club for a few hours and having to sit in awkward tension while his teammates painfully point out how weird it was the entire time? Probably not. 

He knows that lunchtime will be much louder now. Sitting alone would just make him anxious. He’ll have to sit with Hinata and Yachi for lunch. It’s not a bad thing, but it’ll definitely be different. He appreciates this small amount of time with his boyfriend where he gets to just listen to music or talk about something quietly in between bites. He won’t have this now. He wonders what Tsukki will do for lunch. 

He knows that the walks to school will be lonely. Without Tsukki there to accompany him on his way there, he’ll have to travel in an eerie silence. It wasn’t uncommon for him and Tsukishima to travel in silence, but this was different. This lack of sound, of voices and outward thoughts, was intentional. Without Tsukishima walking home beside him, he didn’t get to listen to the different timing of their gaits or how Tsukishima’s bag scuffed against his hip when he walked too quickly or how he would stifle a laugh when Yamaguchi tripped over his own two feet. 

It hadn’t even happened yet. Tsukishima had just left his house a few minutes ago and Yamaguchi was already thinking about how much he was going to not only miss the purposeful silence but the small touches that he would offer on their walk. There would be no more fingers laced together as their hands swayed back and forth, no light grazing of Tsukki’s fingertips against his ear as he puts his earphone in for him, no contact at his side as he pushes into Tsukishima just to get a rise out of him. He would have to walk home without the touches, without the noise or lack thereof, reverting back to before him and Tsukki would walk to school together with earphones in and his liked songs on shuffle. 

Except that he can’t listen to music anymore. 

He sits down at his desk, the room’s air still feeling heavy from the fight that took place a few moments ago, but not feeling brave enough to leave. He puts his earphones in instantly muffling the ambient sounds of his room that he hadn’t noticed before they were gone. If he sat in silence for any longer, he’s not sure he would ever stop thinking about what just happened. 

_ Liked songs > play > skip > skip > skip > skip > skip > skip > skip > skip > skip > skip > skip _

Out of every repercussion that could have come out of their fight, neither of them thought it would strip the joy from the one thing that usually brought so much of it. Music has always had such a large presence in Yamaguchi’s life. It’s brought him comfort and familiarity in times of uncertainty. It filled his silence with meaningful noise. It’s turned his great times to his best times. He could always depend on it. 

Now Tsukishima did all of those things that music once did. He didn’t have to depend on it anymore, because he had Tsukki to depend on. But even more so, music was no longer just his. Every song that he listened to reminded him of Tsukishima in some way or another. Even his favorite songs no longer felt like  _ his _ favorite songs. They felt like songs that he had shared with Tsukki, songs that they would listen to on the floor of his room sitting crisscrossed as Yamaguchi would stare intently to see if he could tell if Tsukishima enjoyed the songs or not. The same lyrics that he enjoyed humming along to before Tsukishima felt foreign now. 

If the song that popped up from his shuffle wasn’t one that he had shared with Tsukishima, the melody would remind him of something that Tsukishima would listen to or it would be a song that he had planned on sharing with Tsukki or the song would just remind him of the situation that he was in and everything would feel heavy. It didn’t matter what the song was, some way, somehow it would make him think of Tsukishima. 

He wanted to know what Tsukishima was listening to right now, what song he felt strong enough to brave, and if it reminded Tsukki of him at all. He imagines him getting home, brushing past any conversations from his family members, slamming his door when he gets into the safety of his room, throwing his bag onto the floor, and then himself onto the bed. He sees him pulling out his headphones, letting the earpieces completely cover his ears as he turns the volume completely up. His eyes are closed much harsher than he knows them to rest and it makes his stomach turn. 

**Tsukishima_K** 7 m   
Watch What Happens Next   
Waterparks   
FANDOM

The vision completely fades away. There’s no more vivid image of Tsukishima on his bed listening to piercingly loud music. He can’t think of anything now. He doesn’t know what Tsukishima is doing or if he’s in his room. He had started listening to music and then stopped. It hadn’t been but 10 minutes since Tsukki was in his room. Was Tsukishima experiencing the same thing that he was? Did he start listening to music and decide that he just couldn’t? He wants to do exactly what he normally does when questions like this pop into his head, but he can’t. He can’t text Tsukki or call him even though he can always hear the eye roll from the other side of the phone.  _ “Why didn’t you just text me?” “Dunno, wanted to hear your voice.” “For such a small question?” “Well, you’re making a big fuss about it now, so…” “Tch… Well, we’re on the phone now, anyway, so...” _ He can’t talk to the one person that he wants to talk to right now. 

Without the sound of the music drowning out his thoughts or the occupation of texting Tsukki, he’s left alone with his mind and the recollection of all of the events that took place. Somehow the adversity that he faced with not being able to enjoy music is not the worst part about the situation. Why wouldn’t Tsukishima let him in? Was he really that bad of a boyfriend that Tsukishima didn’t think he could talk to Yamaguchi about whatever was bothering him? It evidently wasn’t something minor or insignificant, but Yamaguchi didn’t know if that made it better or worse. 

Their conversation just kept replaying in his mind. Every bad thing that Tsukishima said to him was blaring. If that wasn’t bad enough, all of the mistakes that he had made, all of the snide remarks that he threw were screaming at him as well. Should he have followed him out of the door? Should he text him or just give him space? Is he okay? 

[To Tsukki! // 4:58 p.m.]   
[I’m sorry about everything that happened]

He waits a few minutes, not taking his eyes off of his phone for a minute, waiting for the three dots or a quick message. 

[read 5:03 p.m.]

Nothing else comes. 

* * *

For the following week, he decides against going to practice after school, opting instead to just go home early. It’s partly because he just wants to be at home right now, but it’s also because he’s almost positive that Tsukishima will be there and if Yamaguchi has to stand there and pretend either that they’re talking regularly or that he’s not constantly checking to see if Tsukishima is looking at him, he’s not sure how he’ll survive through the day. 

But Yamaguchi obviously doesn’t know Tsukishima as well as he thought he did. 

He gets a text from Hinata a few minutes after practice has started. 

[Hinata // 3:36 p.m.]   
[WHERE ARE YOU?!??!?!?1 >:O]

[Hinata // 3:36 p.m.]   
[did YOU and Tsukishima sneak off somewhere private and skip on practice?]

[Hinata // 3:36 p.m.]   
[YUCK]

Tsukishima is not at practice. If Tsukishima was at practice, then Hinata wouldn’t have mentioned him in the text like they had both been off together. He wants to ask Hinata if Tsukishima had been at practice all week, but that seems suspicious. Why wouldn’t he know where his boyfriend was all week? Because he tried to pry too hard into his personal life and he wouldn’t tell him anything? It would raise questions that he just didn’t want to answer right now. 

[To Hinata // 3:41 p.m.]   
[lol]

* * *

Yamaguchi chooses to go back to practice at the beginning of the second week for a few reasons. The first and overlying reason is that he hadn’t seen Tsukishima or talked to him the entire time and if he was at volleyball practice, he might be able to find time to talk to him. At the very least, he could just watch him and make sure that he was okay. 

He also wants to distract himself from everything that had happened. Even if Tsukki was there, he needed something to get his mind off of how bitter their conversation was, how accusatory and unlike them it was. He needed to focus his energy on something else. Plus, he knew that seeing Hinata and Yachi and talking to his other friends might help him. 

Tsukishima isn’t at volleyball practice. When Yamaguchi gets there, he has to make up an excuse for why Tsukishima wasn’t there and stutter over his words when Hinata loudly ponders why that’s different from what Ukai had mentioned. He changes the subject very quickly. 

Every expectation that Yamaguchi had to get his mind off of Tsukishima is not met. He spends the entire practice thinking about how lonely it was without Tsukki to talk to, how boring it was without being able to watch Tsukki practice blocking, how uneventful it was without hearing Tsukki bother and make fun of Hinata and Kageyama for an hour straight. Being back somewhere that he considered  _ theirs  _ felt wrong and it just made him miss him even more. 

Outside of practice, it’s somehow worse. His room feels so different, so lonely. At this point, any anger or annoyance that he felt from that day had completely dissipated. He was worried,  _ really _ worried. In all of their time of being friends, Tsukki had had mood swings or had ignored him for a few hours, but nothing to this extent. He was declining every one of his calls, reading, but not replying to his texts, avidly evading him at school to the point where Yamaguchi was convinced that he wasn’t even going to school. 

To anyone else, this might have just seemed like prime Tsukishima Kei, but to Yamaguchi, this was something that he had never seen before. He knew Tsukki better than anyone, but he was completely clueless about what to do. Did he just need space? Did he need Yamaguchi to be more persistent? Why wouldn’t he just tell him what he needed so that Yamaguchi could do whatever it was?

* * *

When Yamaguchi’s phone rings at 3 in the morning on a school night a week later, his tired mind can’t even come up with a name of who it might be. His vision is blurry as he blinks repeatedly at the bright screen by his bed. His face twists into confusion as the name becomes clear.  _ Tsukki! _ After not talking for almost 2 weeks, spending a few of those nights doubting that they were even still together, Tsukishima is calling him so late at night. The thoughts that swarm into his head are all horrible, terrible ones that send Yamaguchi into a panicked state as he hurriedly answers the call. 

“Hello?” The urgency in his voice is much more apparent than he expects it to be having just woken up a few seconds ago. He can feel his chest starting to tighten when there’s no response from the other line. He repeats himself, “Hello?” Still, nothing. “Tsukki, are you there?”

No words are spoken, but Yamaguchi hears a small exhale on the other side of the phone. He knows that he’s there, but what if there’s something really wrong? “Are you hurt?” he asks, trying to pry information out of the silent Tsukishima. He makes a disputing sound. “Okay…,” Yamaguchi continues, finally feeling the pit in his stomach starting to subside. He tries to coax more information out of him, asking yes and no questions only so that he doesn’t have to speak, but can just make small noises. He figures out that silence means yes and the negative sound means no. He refuses to solidify anything into a certain yes.

“Did you call me on purpose?” Nothing. 

“Are you okay?” The disputing noise again. Yamaguchi sits up in his bed, rubbing his eyes and resting his spine against his headboard and pulling his knees up to his chest. 

“Are you in any immediate danger?” The disputing noise again. Yamaguchi exhales. 

“Are you home?” Nothing. 

“Does this have anything to do with what happened a few weeks ago?” Nothing. 

“Do you want to talk about it?” The noise, so quickly that it overlaps the end of his sentence. It feels wrong, in some respect, how quickly Yamaguchi is just accepting Tsukishima back without an explanation, but he can hear how unstable Tsukishima’s breath is on the other line and knows that 3 am is not a time that people who are okay tend to call their boyfriends. Yamaguchi just wants to know what’s wrong. 

Something was obviously very wrong. He’s known this the entire time, but it hadn’t really hammered into his head until this moment right now. He can’t even see his face or hear his voice, but he knows that he’s hurting. 

“Okay. That’s okay,” Yamaguchi says, clearing his throat. “Do you want me to just talk?” There’s a noise this time, but it’s not disputing or disapproving, it’s encouraging. It’s the first certainty that Tsukishima had given him. 

“Uh, okay,” he thinks for a moment before continuing. He’s not exactly sure what he wants him to talk about. It’s been so long since they had talked that there were so many different things he wanted to say to him. “Oh! The other day at lunch Hinata spilled Kageyama’s milk and it got everywhere and they were both screaming really loudly and chasing after one another and then Hinata tripped and Kageyama laughed at him and then Hinata tripped Kageyama. You would’ve thought it was so funny. It was really funny.” There’s no laugh from the other line, so Yamaguchi switches the subject. He wants to tell him another anecdote about something that happened at school or at practice, but nothing feels right. The story felt forced and anything else that he wants to attempt to tell him in an effort to make him feel better feels wrong. 

“I missed you.” Yamaguchi’s voice is very quiet compared to before. “A lot,” he adds on. He doesn’t wait for Tsukki to reply, he knows that he won’t anyway, so he just keeps talking, exactly like Tsukki wants him to. “Practice without you is horrible and eating lunch without you sucks and walking home without you is awful, but it’s not even the worst part. I can’t listen to music and I miss kissing you and laying in bed with you and holding your hand. I wasn’t even sure if we were still together and that hurt so bad. I don’t know what’s happening, not with us or with you, but I want to be there for you because I love you.” He takes a deep breath. 

Before he can start talking again (it’s less like talking and more like word vomiting), Tsukishima finally speaks. His voice sounds hoarse and low and unsure of itself, but it’s the first time that Yamaguchi is hearing it in far too long. “Can you come over?”

He looks down at the clock again, making sure that he’s not mistaken that it is, indeed, the middle of the night. A large part of him wants to clarify, to ask him if he’s crazy, to wonder how that would work, but that large part recedes as a smaller, but more powerful thought takes over. Yamaguchi hadn’t seen Tsukki in 2 weeks. He wasn’t sure what was going on with Tsukishima, why he had blown up the way he did that day or what was wrong in the first place, but this was him reaching out and, in his own way, telling Yamaguchi that he needed him. There was no way that he could ever deny that. 

“I’ll see you in 5, okay?” There’s a small hum on the other line before Tsukishima hangs up. Yamaguchi processes what exactly happened, or, rather, he tries to. He stands up, putting on his shoes and quietly walking into the hallway. If his mom were to wake up and see that he was gone, he knows exactly how much trouble he would get in, but it’s the least of his worries right now. Each movement inside of the house is slow and nerve-wracking, but the second that he softly closes and locks the front door, they’re quick and, well, they’re still nerve-wracking. 

When he approaches Tsukishima’s house, he sees a window completely open, the curtains waving wildly in the wind as a hand parts them revealing Tsukishima. Yamaguchi can barely appreciate how good he looks due to the fact that he’s so worried that someone is going to catch him sneaking into his house. He can’t even pause and revel at the small touch on his hand as Tsukki helps him inside. It’s only when the worry begins to fade that everything hits him at once. He’s catching his breath from what was basically running to his house and then climbing in through a window when he notices Tsukki standing in front of him awkwardly with his arms at his side. When they hang out, it’s always so fluid and comfortable, but right now the air feels rigid. He just wants to reach out and hug him. It’s all his mind can obsess over right now. At the bare minimum, he just wants to hold his hand. 

He can’t find the courage to move, so they both stand there staring at the floor. It’s silent and it’s awkward, but for the first time since before their fight, Yamaguchi feels like something isn’t missing. He didn’t even know that that’s what he was feeling before, but now he’s certain. He felt incomplete. He takes a step closer to Tsukki, shuffling more than completely picking up his foot to take a step. As much as he wants to feel Tsukki’s grip back, whether it be in a hug or holding hands, he opts instead for caressing his boyfriend’s cheek. He reaches up and strokes it, using the placement to tilt Tsukki’s head up and focus his gaze on his eyes. He wants to speak, to whisper something meaningful to Tsukki, to convey to him how much he’s missed him, but his mind is just flickering over every sentence and not just settling on one. 

“Are you okay, Tsukki?” he asks, gentle and caring, the tips of his fingers stroking his cheekbones. He doesn’t notice that Tsukki’s crying until a tear rolls into his fingertips. He can’t wait any longer. He throws his arms around Tsukki, resting his cheek against Tsukishima’s sternum, ready to be enveloped in his boyfriend’s arms again, but they don’t come. He stands there, letting tears fall down his face and resting his cheek against the top of Yamaguchi’s head, but not feeling strong enough to hug him back. “What happened?”

After weeks of not talking and even tonight where he hasn’t said more than 10 words, he’s not expecting the answer to come as quickly as it does. It’s not an answer to his question, really, but rather, a confession. “I thought I could do it on my own, that I didn’t need to bother you with it too, but I couldn’t.” His voice is just as unsure as it was on the phone before. It’s like he doesn’t trust himself to speak. 

Yamaguchi isn’t sure whether he should encourage him to go on or just let it happen naturally. He squeezes his arms around Tsukki’s waist before pulling away from him slowly. He tries to look for his eyes, to meet his downward-facing gaze, but Tsukki is avidly avoiding it. The room is dark, but Yamaguchi is so close that he can see Tsukki’s eyelids blink shut, gently at first, and then scrunch very harshly. 

Rather than start talking again, Tsukishima softly takes Yamaguchi’s hand in his and pulls him toward his bed. Yamaguchi didn’t frequent Tsukishima’s house. In fact, when he had been there once or twice, it was a very short visit into the living room or kitchen or just briefly in Tsukki’s room for barely enough time to get a good look around. The two almost always chose to spend their time together after school in Yamaguchi’s room. It was closer, more familiar, more solitary. It just made more sense. So when Yamaguchi sits on Tsukishima’s bed for the first time, sweaty hands in Tsukki’s calloused, dry ones, about to have a conversation that he had no idea what it was concerning, in the middle of the night when he definitely was not supposed to be out, his heart starts racing. Every time he swallows, it feels thicker and thicker. He doesn’t know if his next sentence has any selfish motives behind it, but he means it nonetheless. 

“You don’t have to tell me,” Yamaguchi whispers, partially because it’s late and quiet, but also because if he were to say it any louder, his voice would have cracked from the nerves. 

“You deserve an explanation,” Tsukishima replies, his tone consistent. He’s about to disagree, to tell him that he doesn’t owe him anything, but he thinks back to the few weeks and the way that Tsukki stormed out and the way he declined all of his calls and then he nods. “That day,” he trails off, taking a breath. “I was doing really bad.”

“It happens every year around this time. I get really anxious and depressed and I didn’t tell you, because,” he pauses, his grip weakening as he tries to make himself small, “I just didn’t think it would be this bad this year. I thought I would be okay. Even when I started getting bad, I brushed it off because I really didn’t think it would get like this.” His voice has elevated from a whisper but is still hushed because he knows that his parents are down the hall. “But it got worse and worse and by the time I realized it, it was way too late to tell you, even if I wanted to.” He pauses, changing from an explanation to accusatory. “I shouldn’t be getting like this because I have you now.” It only takes a few moments for it to set in that he’s not angry at Yamaguchi, he’s angry at himself. His fists are balled up at his side and his body is facing away from Yamaguchi now. 

“That’s not fair,” Yamaguchi says, resting his hand on Tsukki’s shoulder, pulling delicately to coerce him back toward him. 

“No,” Tsukishima shakes his head, “You’re everything that I need and even then, my brain is stupid and dumb. You do so much for me and in return, I pull shit like this.” Yamaguchi knows that even if he put 100% of the blame on Tsukishima for what went down between them, it still wouldn’t equate to how much blame Tsukki is putting on himself. He places his hand over top of Tsukki’s, curling his fingers around his fists. 

“I don’t know what you’re going through, I can’t even imagine,” he starts, “but I know that I love you.” He can feel Tsukishima flinch at this sentence and it makes him want to pull his boyfriend into his lap and never let go of him, but he has more to say. “I know that I don’t blame you for what happened.” It’s the truth. He can’t fathom what Tsukki was going through, even with his explanation and what Yamaguchi knows about his own anxiety. “I know that it must have been so hard to admit it and even harder to admit it when you’re in the thick of it.” He scooches closer to Tsukki, his side pressed completely up against Tsukki’s and his hand that isn’t on Tsukishima’s fist is resting on his shoulder. “I know that I want to be there through it if you’d let me.” 

Tsukishima is silent, but Yamaguchi just waits. Waits for whatever Tsukishima wants to happen next. Without Yamaguchi’s words, the room is filled with various chirps and croaks from outside and the small sniffles that are coming out of the blonde. Typically, Yamaguchi likes to take the lead. He’s done it for their entire relationship. He’s the one that initiated their first kiss, told everyone about them, had tucked himself into the concave of Tsukki’s chest one night that his mother wasn’t home. Even to this day, he’s still the one that takes his hand and places it on his hip when Tsukki looks like he wants to touch him, is still the one to lace their fingers together in front of everyone at school, still chooses the movie that they watch every Friday night because Tsukki can’t decide. 

But this time… This time Yamaguchi doesn’t say a word. He lets Tsukki collect himself and decide how to proceed. This is something very new that’s being shared between them, something that Yamaguchi doesn’t know how to lead. He’s not sure how many minutes go by before Tsukishima speaks up, just sitting there with his eyes glued on where their bodies are touching. “I was frustrated at myself for bringing you into this mess, I think,” he admits. As much he wants to refuse any notion that his boyfriend has created a ‘mess’, he just listens. He knows that Tsukki just needs to be listened to. “I don’t normally have someone during these times, not someone like you.” He pauses and takes a breath. “Not someone that makes me feel okay about letting them in.” He pauses again, turning his head to look at Yamaguchi resting on his shoulder, “It was terrifying.”

Every sentence that he says is sandwiched between a handful of silence, time that Tsukishima is undoubtedly using to carefully craft each one of his thoughts before allowing them to leave him. “It was getting bad again and I was scared and I didn’t know how to tell you, so I just didn’t. I tried to deal with it myself, but I think it just all built up and then got even worse.” Yamaguchi feels Tsukishima shift uncomfortably at how much information he’s giving up. “The day that we had that fight was really bad for me. I was feeling really shitty and it was dark and Akiteru was supposed to be coming home that weekend, but something with his girlfriend came up, and then you asked me what was wrong and I felt so guilty that I was letting everything affect me that badly and I didn’t want you to have to deal with that and how stupid everything was.”

Tsukki’s breathing had become harsher and more panicked as his sentences all ran together. Yamaguchi rubbed small circles into his back to try to calm him down, but he just kept talking. “And then after I left, all I wanted to do was to come back and sit on your bed and listen to music with you, that’s the only time that my chest didn’t feel like it was filled with bricks, but I couldn’t do that. I just went home and went to sleep. I wanted to text you or call you or apologize, but I didn’t want to hurt you anymore. I didn’t think I could explain what was happening, but I knew that you deserved an explanation, but I couldn’t give one to you. So I just skipped practice and avoided you at school and just suffered by myself.” He inhales deeply, resetting his sporadic pattern. 

“I thought that you were just doing better without me.”

The sentence almost breaks his heart. Yamaguchi can’t help himself as he wraps both arms around Tsukki’s torso, hugging him tightly and shaking his head in disagreement. They sit like this for a while before Yamaguchi supposes that Tsukki is done explaining for right now. “I wasn’t doing better without you. I never am,” Yamaguchi breaks the silence.

“When you told me that you missed me tonight on the phone… I just… I don’t even think that I thought that was an option,” Tsukki says, almost questioning. “I thought that I was going to call and you weren’t going to answer or that you were going to be really mad.”

“I missed you, Tsukki, of course, I did.”

All at once, Yamaguchi can no longer feel Tsukki in his arms, instead, he feels him roll onto his side and scooch away from him. Yamaguchi doesn’t know exactly what to do. He doesn’t know if Tsukki wants space or if he wants him to leave completely or if he’s said something wrong. Tsukishima reaches his arm back while still facing the wall. His hand is searching for something in the air and on the bed sheets until it finds Yamaguchi’s hand. He pulls timidly, trying to get Yamaguchi to come closer and mimic his position. It takes a few pulls for Yamaguchi to understand what he wants. When he does, he lays his head on Tsukki’s pillow and molds his body around his boyfriend’s. 

Despite the fact that Tsukki is so much taller than him, he still fits in his arms perfectly. He can feel how nervous Tsukki is about being in this position for the first time. Normally Yamaguchi is the one that likes to feel his spine pressed against Tsukki’s chest, but right now, Yamaguchi can feel the pressure of each bone on his sternum and stomach and he can’t get enough. Tsukishima holds Yamaguchi’s hand in his as he tucks it gently around his stomach and underneath his side. Yamaguchi uses this position to pull Tsukki deeper into him. He presses a kiss into the back of his neck. 

“I’m going to be better,” Tsukki whispers into the room. Even though he’s not facing him and the words float around the room before landing next to Yamaguchi, he feels them in his heart. “I know that you’re there for me and I’m really going to try.”

Yamaguchi squeezes him tighter, his arms shaking as he tries to get him impossibly closer. “Thank you, Tsukki. I love you.” 

“I love you, Yams,” he replies, running his fingertips up and down Yamaguchi’s arms. 

They lay there for nearly an hour, just happy to be in each other’s presence again, silent, but awake and content before Tsukki has to be the bearer of bad news. “You should probably sneak back home. It’s past 5.”

Though the only thing he wanted to do right then was fall asleep and deal with the consequences later, he knew that he was right. He groans, nuzzling his face into Tsukki’s back before sighing dramatically and turning onto his back, letting go of his warm boyfriend. Tsukishima turns over, facing Yamaguchi and resting his head on his chest, staring up at him. “You’re not making this easier,” Yamaguchi mumbles, though his face is beaming. 

He pushes the blonde hair out of his eyes before picking his chin up and leaning down, meeting his lips. He hadn’t felt his soft lips on his in so long, hadn’t tasted them or smiled against them in far, far too long. Yamaguchi holds his lips against Tsukki’s until Tsukishima literally has to pull away. “Your mom is going to wake up and you’re not going to be home and she’s going to be mad.” 

Yamaguchi huffs and rolls his eyes, kissing Tsukki again, but just a quick peck this time. He swings his legs out of bed, leaving his hand on Tsukki until he stands up. Even then, he’s pulling Tsukki to the edge of the bed, leaning down and kissing him quickly before walking over to the window. “I’ll see you tomorrow,” he calls back as he slinks out of the window. 

* * *

Quietly shutting the door to his room behind him, Yamaguchi walks over to his desk and picks up his earphones, plugging them into his phone and putting them in. He shuts his light off and climbs into bed, covering himself with every blanket in his bed, trying to mimic the feeling of warmth that he was feeling earlier, but nothing works. He navigates to his music app, shuffling the playlist that Tsukki made for him. 

For the first time since they stopped talking, music makes sense again. The song’s lyrics speak to Yamaguchi again, filtering through his ears and into his brain and throughout his entire body. He wants to stay awake the entire night, just listening to every single song in his library. He wishes that he was back in Tsukki’s bed, that he didn’t feel the insane guilt and worry and have to return home, that he could have just laid in his arms until morning.

[To Tsukki! // 5:31 a.m.]    
[Are you still up?]

[Tsukki! // 5:31 a.m.]   
[yea lol. whats up?]

The speaker against his ear is ringing almost instantly, waiting for Tsukki to pick up. “Hello?” 

“Hey,” Yamaguchi says, a smile spreading over his face. 

“What?” Tsukki doesn’t sound annoyed or urgent. He sounds, dare he say, loving. 

“I can’t sleep and I wanted to talk to you.”

“You just got home,” Tsukki laughs. Yamaguchi can hear him rustling around under his comforter and he wishes that he was there with him, feeling his breath on the back of his neck as he laughed. 

“Yeah, but we haven’t talked in so long,” Yamaguchi pouts. He knows that Tsukishima isn’t going to hang up the phone, but he figures that he might as well lay it on thick. 

“What do you want to talk about then, Yams?” he asks, entertaining his boyfriend and continuing the conversation. 

“Music sounds good again,” Yamaguchi says, rolling over and tucking his blanket and hand underneath his head. His eyelids are starting to feel heavy. 

“Yeah?” 

“Yeah.” It’s quiet, but Yamaguchi can still hear Tsukki breathing on the other side of the phone. “I can’t wait to listen to music in my bed with you again. I missed that a lot. Plus, now it’ll feel even better because I haven’t been able to listen to music in so long. Everything’s just reminded me of you.”

“When I come over tomorrow, we’ll listen to music all night, okay?” Tsukishima replies. His voice is so soft that some of the warmth that he was searching for returns to him. He hums in response, suddenly feeling so exhausted, but so comfortable. He doesn’t want to, fights it so hard, but he feels himself drifting to sleep. “I love you, Tadashi.” 

* * *

Autumn is a really hard time for Tsukishima Kei, but that doesn’t mean that he doesn’t enjoy it. Yamaguchi shows him everything that there is to love about the season. He takes him to festivals that he’s never heard of and walks with him through forests of trees with leaves colored such vivid reds and oranges and yellows that he’s never seen before. He shares everything about fall that makes it his favorite season. 

He also holds him when he comes over on the weekend and he can’t think of anything other than sleeping all day. He strokes his hair when his mind won’t stop telling him really horrible things. He makes sure that he’s okay when he’s silent for too long, but doesn’t push any further when Tsukki tells him to leave it alone. He knows that he doesn’t have to do it alone, but he knows that he’ll have space if he needs it. 

Autumn is a really hard time for Tsukishima Kei, but it’s getting better. It’s getting easier. 

**Author's Note:**

> [Leave me a tip or commission me! ](https://ko-fi.com/toriiixoox)
> 
> thank you so much for reading! feel free to leave a comment and/or a kudo! they are more appreciated than you know!!!
> 
> if you want to follow me on tumblr, talk or whatnot, you can find me @a-kaash-me-outside!


End file.
